Back to the Whale's Belly

Dated: July 4th, 2015

Last time I was home in April/May, I thought I might not come back to India...because I had hit what they call "burnout." Due to the constant stresses, disappointments, spiritual burdens; diet, climate, time change, the roller coaster of emotions dealing with extremely challenging people and situations, being a single, homeschooling mom of two young boys, having little emotional support or community...all in a foreign country...well...you can only imagine. However, I wouldn't trade my first year and a half in India for anything...for the time and precious relationship I developed with the two boys, for the growth, for the few great friendships, and just the overall "real world school" of life and missions in India. As many of you know, the boys and I merged with an orphanage run by one of my pastor friends who was not actually going to continue this school year because of a lack of funds...and this all by a miracle of God right before I flew home. I consider it like an adoption, since he has asked me to take the home and the children as my own.

SO, for the last six weeks I have been at this new home adjusting, trying to make changes, developing relationships with the children, making sure they had everything to get off to school, teaching English tution, washing and hanging clothes, removing lice, giving medicine, and cleaning my flat on the 3rd floor....which had been ransacked, trashed, etc. you can't imagine...by the three boys who stayed for the whole summer, as some went home for good, some went temporarily to stay with relatives, and while we waited on the new orphans/semi-orphans to arrive.  Dealing with that, plus the overall uncleanness of the entire building cost me much distress emotionally and physically as I prepared for a foreign mission team to visit within two weeks of my arrival. 

We had the kids full-time for the first four weeks of my stay and the last two weeks they have been in school. On top of that and the fact that I had arrived at the height of the summer season, I had quite a few issues with the couple running the place--misunderstandings, miscommunications, co-parenting issues, etc. So, needless to say...it has been quite the trip. 

Before I came back to India I had sensed it may only be a one or two month stay as I had not actually fully recovered from my initial burnout. lol. And what I've endured this time has been even more difficult...it almost makes me want to laugh...or cry thinking about it. I can smile now to look back and see God's grace and strength these last 6 weeks so clearly. I am really just now coming up for air since the kids have been back in school, but minus a week of cooler temperatures with the rain...it has been quite hot since I've been here, which only compounds the effects of burnout.

With the kids back in school, I have had some time to reflect, and assess my condition...symptoms, etc. which I will go into more detail in another blog post.

Backing up a bit...when I was back home last time and thought I wouldn't return to India...it was only about a week that God reminded me I was called to be a foreign missionary...when on multiple occasions I opened right to Jonah when opening my Bible. I felt I was somewhat in the whale's belly being on the plane returning to the U.S. And I always do....something to do with that verse that whoever puts his hand to the plow and looks back is not fit for service in the Kingdom of God. I always took the verse literal in my heart, and it has created some guilt and wrong expectation in my service overseas. In Jonah's story there is a plant that the Lord prepares to deliver Jonah from his misery after his time preaching in Ninevah...and I felt for my story, the plant is my home in the U.S. But given that I knew the plant withered in God's timing for Jonah, I could rest a little under my plant until it withered...and I knew it would. I felt some unrest about being away from the kids and the work here, but I knew I was still being held by His sovereign hand and under His loving grace. I prayed for mercy if I was disobeying and healing from the wounds I incurred in India. I also prayed about when to return...and had accepted that I would. It didn't take long before I was actually ready to go back and excited to see the boys and all the new children. Based on what I've read about burnout, I knew that my short time at home only served as a temporary relief, and when I came back to India, I had accepted I was on borrowed time. So after sensing my time was up, I prayed and then booked my ticket home! So it's back to the whale's belly in 10 days!

It is not easy to leave as I have grown very close to all the kids, and have played the role of mom, nurse, playmate, teacher, comforter, and provider for them all. I want to be here for them 24/7/365, but the other day God reminded me that I am also hurting and that WE are ALL in HIS hands...and that He is what we need at the end of the day. HE can only heal and restore us. Every person is gifted uniquely and every missionary and Christian is called to a specific ministry in this world and with a unique role, that is sometimes ever changing. I've learned not to compare myself to other missionaries serving overseas, but to be faithful to God's leading on my journey. One thing is for sure...God's plan to save the lost and heal the sick will not be thwarted based on any of my decisions. Jesus is supernaturally revealing himself to people all over the world, and The Lord is sovereign over all His servants that He sends out to fulfill the Great Commission; their role, service, and length of service. So, in that knowledge I remove all guilt from myself over what I can and can't do...in the name of Jesus! And I promise to be gentle to myself and my needs from this point forward...

All that being said....I'm brought to tears writing this, knowing that I will miss these kids terribly, as I may be gone for 3 months...my longest U.S. visit since I've been in India, and knowing that they will probably also miss me until I return. My goal is to actually have other missionaries serve here, so that the kids are being loved and served while I'm gone and so I can get much needed breaks without as much guilt....This is a very difficult calling, and it has been so hard to do it mostly alone. Please, if you know anyone that may be interested in serving in an orphanage...tell them to contact me! I have a great house for them to stay in with the 5 boys, their own bedroom, and lots of time for worship and study while the kids are in school. There are 10 girls and a staff person(19 yr old girl) on the second floor; the pastor, his wife and daughter on the ground floor. Everyone eats downstairs, but I also have a kitchen which I cook two meals a day for myself. Please also pray for my journey home, for the kids while I'm gone, and for my time in the U.S. to be fruitful and restorative.

Christy: 770-617-7786/christysjewel@gmail.com