He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD. Psalm 113:9
So, unbeknownst to me...when I picked three books that were donated to bring to India...one being a Baby Animals book...it had the question on every page, Who is my mommy? I even learned in mentor class to be careful reading books that had Daddy and Me topics, because it might hit the nerve of a brokenhearted, fatherless child.
The second time I read the Baby Animals book to the boys, we had taken a walk and I had let them each have a turn riding on my back for a few minutes. They get the biggest smiles when they get to do this, and I love giving them that joy. So later, they brought the Baby Animals book to me to read them before bed, and as I read on page 1, 2, 3, " I do this......Who is my mommy? Next page, My Mommy is a Lemur, etc. etc. I could almost barely get out that sentence "Who Is My Mommy?" It's like I could feel the tension in the room as I kept saying that word. You know that thick air of tangible silence. I was feeling their pain in my heart...and maybe a little of mine too. I always knew my loss was a huge precursor to being led to care for motherless children...and it continues to be more and more evident why.
As I keep reading this question in the book, part of me is thinking if they are asking themselves the same question? Here I am reading them a book at night like a mother would...but I am not their mother...biologically, nor have I ever insisted that I was. But I would say I am the closest thing to a mother in their life. As the silence is getting louder through each, Who is my mommy?, we finally get to the fourth animal... again, "I do this.....Who is my mommy? My mommy is a lemur, and I am her infant. When we are out and about and my little legs get tired, my mom carries me on her back." I was immediately touched and felt I was reading the answer to the question...for us. I was making the connection with me carrying them on my back only minutes earlier and they were too. I just paused in awe, and Aravind looks up at me and smiles and says randomly, Who is my mommy? even though that wasn't what followed in the book. This was the question on the previous page. I believe in his heart he was saying coming to am answer to his own question and thinking...oh, ok, YOU are my mommy. Like it gave us both a confirmation in that moment to the question that lingers in our head whenever the mom topic is read or being discussed. I was so amazed and just thanking God to create this moment.
I never wanted to force the "mother" word on the boys, because even though theirs is no longer on this earth, they will always identify her as their mother, and she will always be very dear to their hearts...and I have not actually adopted them, nor can I...although I have in my heart. And being a mother, I would never want anyone trying to replace my role as mother to my daughter. I have even had dreams of Evie in heaven and she is in an orphanage with foster moms...but none of them actually assume the role of her mother.
When people probe about my role with them, I say that I consider myself their spiritual mother...and really, we don't have to have titles to know what we are to eachother. I know that people have asked them if I was their mom many times when we are out...and I know it makes them feel just as awkward as it makes me. I will continue to do the best I can as a mother figure to them...but yes, it's complicated. And the truth is, even adoption doesn't make you a mother...love and trust do.
Even earthly, biological mothers and fathers fail us, but He never will. And how faithful He is to not leave us as "orphans" or as "childless" mothers.
I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18
For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in. Psalm 27:10
The second time I read the Baby Animals book to the boys, we had taken a walk and I had let them each have a turn riding on my back for a few minutes. They get the biggest smiles when they get to do this, and I love giving them that joy. So later, they brought the Baby Animals book to me to read them before bed, and as I read on page 1, 2, 3, " I do this......Who is my mommy? Next page, My Mommy is a Lemur, etc. etc. I could almost barely get out that sentence "Who Is My Mommy?" It's like I could feel the tension in the room as I kept saying that word. You know that thick air of tangible silence. I was feeling their pain in my heart...and maybe a little of mine too. I always knew my loss was a huge precursor to being led to care for motherless children...and it continues to be more and more evident why.
As I keep reading this question in the book, part of me is thinking if they are asking themselves the same question? Here I am reading them a book at night like a mother would...but I am not their mother...biologically, nor have I ever insisted that I was. But I would say I am the closest thing to a mother in their life. As the silence is getting louder through each, Who is my mommy?, we finally get to the fourth animal... again, "I do this.....Who is my mommy? My mommy is a lemur, and I am her infant. When we are out and about and my little legs get tired, my mom carries me on her back." I was immediately touched and felt I was reading the answer to the question...for us. I was making the connection with me carrying them on my back only minutes earlier and they were too. I just paused in awe, and Aravind looks up at me and smiles and says randomly, Who is my mommy? even though that wasn't what followed in the book. This was the question on the previous page. I believe in his heart he was saying coming to am answer to his own question and thinking...oh, ok, YOU are my mommy. Like it gave us both a confirmation in that moment to the question that lingers in our head whenever the mom topic is read or being discussed. I was so amazed and just thanking God to create this moment.
I never wanted to force the "mother" word on the boys, because even though theirs is no longer on this earth, they will always identify her as their mother, and she will always be very dear to their hearts...and I have not actually adopted them, nor can I...although I have in my heart. And being a mother, I would never want anyone trying to replace my role as mother to my daughter. I have even had dreams of Evie in heaven and she is in an orphanage with foster moms...but none of them actually assume the role of her mother.
When people probe about my role with them, I say that I consider myself their spiritual mother...and really, we don't have to have titles to know what we are to eachother. I know that people have asked them if I was their mom many times when we are out...and I know it makes them feel just as awkward as it makes me. I will continue to do the best I can as a mother figure to them...but yes, it's complicated. And the truth is, even adoption doesn't make you a mother...love and trust do.
Even earthly, biological mothers and fathers fail us, but He never will. And how faithful He is to not leave us as "orphans" or as "childless" mothers.
I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18
For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in. Psalm 27:10
This is such a sweet story, Christy! You are an amazing mom and I am so proud of you!!
ReplyDelete